


I thought I would have died from the desire to do so

by Lilith888



Series: All the times they should have kissed [4]
Category: Carry On Series - Rainbow Rowell
Genre: After the kiss, Book 1: Carry On, Enemies to Lovers, Fluff, Kiss in the fire, M/M, POV Simon Snow, POV Tyrannus Basilton "Baz" Pitch, Pitch Mansion, moles
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-12
Updated: 2020-11-26
Packaged: 2021-03-09 21:20:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,874
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27522940
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lilith888/pseuds/Lilith888
Summary: They have finally kissed. Simon stopped Baz from burning himself and the forest to the ground. And he had kissed him. They had spent all the evening kissing, and talking.They ended up lying near the fire in Baz’s bedroom, fingers intertwined.Baz kisses a mole on Simon’s cheek, something that he had wanted to do for ever and let something slip from his mouth.
Relationships: Tyrannus Basilton "Baz" Pitch & Simon Snow, Tyrannus Basilton "Baz" Pitch/Simon Snow
Series: All the times they should have kissed [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1973710
Comments: 4
Kudos: 72





	1. I thought I would have died from the desire to do so

** POV BAZ **

“I thought I would have died from the desire to do this”.

Fuck, I have said too much. I can feel Snow freezing near me. I don’t even need to look at his face, so I keep mine in the crook of his neck. Eyes on that mole. I look at it while I can, because he is going to get up and run away from this, from me. Of course, he is. This is insane. I am insane.

He turns to watch me, raising a little on his elbow “Are you serious?”.

“Of course, I am not”  yes, I am.

He takes my chin between his fingers and forces me to look at him “Baz, how long?”.

I can’t answer that question because the answer is so lame “It doesn’t matter”.

He kisses me, lightly this time “It matters to me”. 

He is still so close that I can feel the words on my lips. And I can’t run from this, from him. Maybe I don’t even want to “Since the first time I met you”.

He stares at me “You are...” insane? Crazy? Hopeless? Any of the options is a good one. But he is kissing me, again. He has never been good with words, but with kisses... WOW. He is holding my chin with only two fingers, yet strongly. Snow is sucking my bottom lip, which he must know that I love from before. He only pauses for a moment to change position and kiss me deeply, mouth open, warm breath and tongue. I am afraid I will scratch him with my fangs, but they stay where they are when I am not hungry. His hand runs on the back of my head to gently comb my hair. He is pushing me down on the carpet, and I let him. Why shouldn’t I? But when he climbs on me, sitting on my lap and his body is all over me, my brain goes black. What is he doing? What are we doing? What does this mean for me? And for him? And all I can think about is WHAT I am. What was he going to say? I need to know WHAT I am. And it’s so stupid, but I can’t enjoy this fucking brilliant kissing because I’m thinking about it.

“What am I?”.

** POV SIMON **

An idiot. You are an idiot for interrupting this perfect snogging. But I look down at him, because somehow, I have pinned him on the carpet and I am all over him, and he is so fucking hot. So, I force myself to think. I usually do the exact opposite. What is he? How is he? And then I see a little bruise just hidden under his shirt’s collar and I lower to kiss it.

“You are incredible. All this time we could have done this” another kiss “instead of fighting. You are beautiful” another kiss, this time lower “all this time trying to hurt this perfect skin when I should have kissed it”. I open a button to kiss the skin just there, and he stops breathing “You are hot, I always thought that you were so confident, the way you move, the way you stand, the way you talk” another kiss, another button “but right now, all wrecked, burnt and flushed. Fuck, you look even hotter”.

“Simon” he whispers, but I have no intention of stopping now that I can finally see his abdomen, I open the last two buttons and kiss him right there. How can I have ever  thought that I am straight?

“And you are so smart, so smarter than me, that you should have noticed that I was looking at you. Constantly. Even if I didn’t know the real reason, you should have known” and I kiss his belly, I even lick it before looking up at him. He is a mess, a perfectly beautiful mess. I brush my nose on his skin all the way up his body, inhaling his scent. I am on my hands and knees, looking down at his face, he is breathing hard. Well, I am too. He swallows, looking at me, like he is trying to say and not to say something. “What is it?”.


	2. You are so... alive

** POV BAZ **

“Nothing” how can I answer anything more than ‘nothing’. After what he has just said? After what he has done? I shouldn’t have asked, because now there is  nothing I can say good enough. Does he have to find the ability of speaking right now? Of course, he has. So, now I am under him, hardly breathing, unable to move a muscle, so fucking aroused by the way his mouth has kissed my skin and by what he has said.

He is looking at me, waiting for something better than ‘nothing’. And then, he sits on my lap, bringing me back in a sitting position “I don’t believe you”.

“Maybe I am not so smart” he is holding my face with both his hands, and I am so close to him that his warmth is surrounding me.

“What do you mean?”.

What do I mean? Nothing really, I just remember him saying it. And it’s the less  overwhelming thing he has said. “That I am an idiot for even thinking about this”.

He is looking at me with a frown now “I am the idiot, for never letting myself think about this. When you were missing, I was totally out of my mind. I was worried, not really that you were somewhere plotting against me. I was so worried for you. I needed to see you, to know that you were ok, ready to hate me”. I am about to reply when he goes on “The only reason because you are an idiot” and he kisses me “is that you waited for me to kiss you. You know I can be very slow at getting things”.

And this makes me laugh, and he is laughing too. But his hands are still holding me, he is still sitting on me. “Snow” I want to say that even if he is right, this is still insane. But he doesn’t let me.

“Now, if you don’t mind, I would like to keep kissing my boyfriend”.

“I am not your boyfriend” I am not, right? This is just our first kiss. Well, it’s a few hours we are kissing, but still, is really new.

“I really hope you are, because I don’t do THIS with anyone who isn’t”. Which means that of course, he has already done THIS. For me, it’s the first time instead. And it’s fucking embarrassing. “What is it?” he asks me.

Well, I am embarrassed that I have no experience. At all. And I am angry, maybe jealous. Of  Wellbelove . Fuck. “Nothing”.

“Baz” he is kissing the corner of my mouth, leaving me the chance to speak.

“It’s my first time” I burst out.

He never  stops kissing my cheek and my neck “Mine too”.

“Liar” this makes him stop.

“It’s true”.

“What about  Wellbelove ?” Here. I said it.

“What about her?”.

“She was your girlfriend”.

“Oh that”.

“Yeah, THAT”.

“We never did this. Just some kissing”.

“We are kissing”.

“We never kissed like THIS” and he is indicating our bodies, his sitting on mine.

“Why not?” do I really want to know?

He looks at me seriously “I never wanted to, she neither I think. We probably both wanted to do this with... you”. I snort “It’s true!” he goes on “Come on, look at you!”.

But I am looking at him. All gesticulating, so warm, and beautiful. So alive. “Snow, this is...” and I lay back on the carpet, with a dramatical sigh, covering my face.

** POV SIMON **

I won’t let him ruin this. This is good, I want this. I want him looking at me and kissing my skin. And I want him to do everything he wants to do with me, to me. Fuck. How have I never thought about this before? 

“Don’t!”.

He is again lying on the carpet under me, and yet he looks very intimidating. He really doesn’t like being shut up. “Snow”.

“Oh, come on! I know what you want to say, but I won’t let you”.

“You won’t let me...” really frightening.

“No. I know what you want to say”.

“Snow, don’t be  ridiculous , how could you...”.

“You want to say the I am the Mage’s heir, and you are the Pitch’s one” his eyes go wide, of course, he is thinking exactly this “and you are a vampire” I kiss him now, because I need him to know that I don’t care if he is. Well, maybe I do, but I am ok with that.

“It’s not only this” he whispers. He is  straightening up now, but I am still sitting on him, which is a very weird position, but I kind of like it.

“Then what is it?”.

“You are so... alive”.

“Yeah, you too” and I put my hand on his heart, and through his bare skin I can feel it beating.

“I am not”.

“Don’t be ridiculous. You should be the smart one!”.

“I am”.

“Then, you know that if your heart beats you are alive. I know you can bleed” I could have broken his nose a couple of years ago “and I know that you eat and drink” he raises an eyebrow “Normal food too!” I clarify.

“Snow”.

“Stop saying ‘Snow’!” and I want him to stop thinking, to stop worrying and I do something really stupid. Like taking off my t-shirt.


	3. I should find something bigger to desire

** POV BAZ **

And my mind goes blank. What was I thinking about? Something about this being wrong, right? But, why? I had a good point, at least, I think. He is unbelievable. Taking off his clothes to shut me up. It won’t work. Fuck, it already has. I am staring at him, mouth open, and while a little voice in my mind is saying that I should be outraged by his behaviour, everything else is telling me to fucking shut up and touch him, kiss him, and a lot of other things I am not at ease thinking about. Yet. I still don’t really believe that we are kissing, that I am allowed to. How could I ever thought that I would be able to stop this? To stop him? He is overwhelming. And I have wanted this, him, for so long that I have no other possibilities than go all the way down the rabbit hole.

“Snow” I force myself to stop looking at his chest, and look at him in the eyes.

“Stop”.

I bring my hands on his chest, tracing little lines, making him shudder “You really want me to stop?”.

“Yes” and my hands freezes on his chest. Maybe he is regretting his move, maybe he wants to go back. But for me it’s too late. “Because...” and I await the blow that he is about to give me “if you keep doing that, I can’t do this” and he is taking my hands in his to uncuff my shirt, one cuff, then the other. His hands are on my shoulders to let the cotton slip on the ground behind me. I imagined him doing this so many times, but the reality is so full of details, so intense, that it is almost too much. “Much better” I hear him whisper. He starts following something on my chest with his fingers, lightly dancing on my skin. My scars. Simon Snow is looking at me, half naked, and is tracing each one of my scars. His hands are gentle and never hesitate, not even when a very red, very new scar is guiding his fingers south. He stops only when he reaches my jeans and when he looks at me, he is panting, all blushing and absolutely perfect. I kiss him, deeply, one of his hands still on my belly, the other quickly reaches my back. I am holding his face, kissing him like he kissed me before. Like it is a surprise, a wonderful gift to discover, and it is nothing less than this.

He pushes me on the floor, guiding me with both his hands, but to do so he slowly slips on my thighs and the pleasure when our groins touch makes us both moan. And it is so fucking embarrassing. Snow freezes, his body painfully an inch away from mine. For the first time I see him hesitate, I can see from the look in his eyes that he is afraid and I hate it “Simon” and I kiss him softly “we don’t have to...”.

** POV SIMON **

And maybe we don’t. 

But why? What is really stopping me? The fact that I have never done this before? That I have never thought about myself as gay? Because when I was with Agata I have never thought about any of this, I have never desired anything more than what we had. Which was almost nothing. Instead, I have kissed Baz only a few hours  ago for the first time, and only to stop him from burning us to the ground, but the urgency to kiss him, touch him, see him all and through, is all I feel now. Well, there is also the excitement and the pleasure. Is more than I have ever let myself feel.

I roll away from him, and I get up. He is so fucking beautiful. My gesture has taken away some of the light in his eyes, like he is trying to regain some control, to calm down. But I don’t really want him to do any of that.

“Come on” I say to him, holding out my hand for him to take.

He is looking at it like it could hurt him “What do you want, Snow?”.

I lower myself to grab him, because I know he can be incredibly stubborn and proud, and me getting up must look like a reject to him. Once he is on his feet, I bring him closer to me “To move this somewhere more... comfortable” I whisper in his ear.

“What do you mean?” The moment he asks me, I am putting him on my shoulder. “Snow, what the hell are you doing?”.

“I told you” just a few steps and I lay him on his own bed “Somewhere more comfortable” and I get on the bed after him. But once I am near him, I can feel the tension grow between us. “Look, we don’t have to do anything more than this” and I kiss him, which makes it even harder to go on “but I want this, I want you” I kiss him one more time “and we have been on that carpet for too long”.

He chuckles, which is a very unusual sound coming from him. And it is adorable. “So, now that you have found a better place, what do you want to do Snow?”.

We are kissing again; he really doesn’t want an answer. But for some reason I can’t shut up tonight “Maybe, we could...” and I reach for the button of his jeans “get even more comfortable”.

“It’s a wonderful idea” he is breathing hard, so close to my mouth. He lifts his hips to help me, but his jeans are really tight, and my hands are trembling. However, the reward is worth the effort. The vision of Baz, sprawled over his bed, a hand to cover his face, almost naked, is something I would never forget.

“You are gorgeous” I manage to say, before I lie next to him and take my own trousers off.

“You” Baz is looking at me between his long fingers.

“What?” I take his hand to look at his face.

“You are absurd” he says getting close to me. It doesn’t really sound like a compliment, but he embraces me, putting one of his long legs over mine. We are so close now, on his bed, almost totally naked, our legs intertwined.

“Is it a bad thing?”.

“Of course, it is. Because all I ever let myself desire was to kiss this” and he kisses my cheek, my mole “and now that I have seen what hides under the uniform, I am going to die every day. Watching you in those horrible clothes is going to be a torture. And if this wouldn’t be enough, now I want all the rest. Lucky me I am already dead”.

“Stop saying that”.

“Is the only thing bothering you?”.

“There is another thing...”.

“What is it?”.

“If you really want all the rest, what exactly are you waiting?”.

“Shut up Snow”.

And maybe I like him shutting me up, especially with a kiss.

** POV BAZ **

I should find something bigger to desire. Something wilder and even more impossible than kissing Simon Snow. Because now that I have kissed almost every part of his body (we decided to left something for the next time) I feel expectant.

Apparently, when Snow is next to you, you can get everything, and when everything you desire is him, all you can do is stay still and let him give you all he is.

And I can tell you, he is a lot.


End file.
